


All is Fair (In Love and War)

by krissyxlove



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Dystopia, M/M, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, Utopia, War, sheltered society
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:41:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24206089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krissyxlove/pseuds/krissyxlove
Summary: Utopia, a safe haven of sorts.In this shelter, society has thrived after war from the ground above has claimed what used to be called Earth. Hundreds of years of war has been the downfall of the majority of mankind but thanks to a group of founders, Utopia has been its saving grace.There is no war in Utopia but there is also no such thing as fresh air. Everything is manufactured, even the sky is fake. No one seems to mind though because below the surface they are safe.There is however one rule and one rule alone. There is no crime accepted in Utopia.For a majority of the people that's simple considering they are literally given everything they need, but for some it's just in their blood. The founders of this haven did come up with a solution however and that is to send anyone who commits crime out on the main battle fields rather than jail. They see it as a win win. They get rid of crime and criminals, and criminals get to let out their homicidal tendencies.Ah, Utopia. What a wonderful place to be indeed. No war, no crime, no worries.  Unless you're a wrongly accused criminal that is.
Relationships: Cornelia Dahlgren/Martyn Lester, Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 20
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Time and time again I have thought about this story. It's been a little but of a passion project of mine for around 4 years now. You see, I've started this fic previously and stopped it more times than i care to admit. A lot of those reasons for stopping were personal, but this time I feel ready to continue and expand on this world that has been stuck in my head for AGES. So please, join me on this journey and enjoy your stay.

A blanket of something far too dark loomed above the safe space of Utopia. It is peppered with specks that are far too bright and far too small to even look real and it hovers above Utopians almost as an insult. Everything is manufactured, but everything is safe. 

_breathe in, let it out._ Oh god...that is not right, even the air is artificial. 

Phil should be used to it by now. He was born and raised in Utopia, but still...he feels like he is missing out on something. 

You see, when Phil is bored he reads. When he reads, he learns. He knows everything there is to know about the former land called "Earth". Technically, they are still on Earth, but now they have submerged below the surface where it is safe.

Even though Phil is safe, he is not satisfied. He is missing so much and he feels it within his bones. Every fiber of his being craves a breath of fresh air...A breath he will never get because they say the air is cleaner below the surface, but Phil feels like that's just something they say to shut him up. 

He's always been a dreamer and he has always known there is so much more above the surface.

Beyond the barriers of _safety_ and _comfort_ , there is life. 

A life where things grow on their own. They are self sufficient with their symbiosis and everything works together naturally instead of everything being produced by machines. Phil dreams of that life and that kind of connection with the world above.

Of course, he is not insane enough to commit a crime so instead he just dreams. 

He dreams of fresh air. A hazy world where fresh air fills his lungs and replaces all the manufactured crap he's been breathing all his life. He dreams of the world above, and of course he dreams of a world without war.

Phil sighs as he closes his biology textbook. His head lulls back and he gently bumps his head against the tree he was leaning back on. He runs his hand through his Jet black quiff as he releases yet another heavy sigh. Everything is so heavy below the surface. 

"I wonder if it's actually night time in the world above," Phil softly mutters to himself as he gazes at the twinkling lights overhead.

He wonders a lot about whats beyond these barriers. He wonders if there is even more to it than what is written in all the texts that his mind has absorbed. He feels as if he would be able to thrive beyond Utopia at this point. Actually, he feels like he would thrive more than he does in Utopia since down here he is just a dreamer.

_A dreamer with a dream that no one understands._

One long look at the sky and Phil watches as the dark hues suddenly brighten to a blinding, almost sterile, bright blue. There is no sunrise here nor is there even a sunset. Phil frowns knowing what he is missing out on but he gave up long ago on trying to get the council to add these features. 

_"Adding colours to the night and day feature is a waste of time and resources."_

A harsh voice echoes through Phil's mind as he remembers what he was told and how those around him laughed.

Phil takes one last deep breath of sterilized air before jumping up. He knows he has to head back home quickly in order to not worry his family.

**...**

"I'm home," Phil calls out in a monotonous voice while pushing open the door to his family home.

"Child. You had me worried sick! I swear you really need to learn how to use a pen and paper to leave your poor old mother a note." 

Phil's mum was stomping out from the kitchen with her arms folded across her chest and a scowl blemishing her far too kind features. 

"Sorry mum, I-" 

His mum held up a hand in protest. "Let me guess, You didn't know you would be out so long. You know, one of these days you're going to get caught up in something during the late night hours and get sent to the surface!" 

She was worried. Of course she was, she was his mum. Phil felt a little guilty for making her worry but he still could not stop the words that slipped out of his mouth. 

"Maybe that's what I want..." He mumbled, mostly to himself but of course she still caught it.

His mum let out a heavy sigh as her features softened. "Phil, I know you think the world above is this magical land filled with every fantasy you've ever dreamed of but reality is much harsher than your dreams my love." She reached out her hand and gently cupped Phil's cheek with a gentle touch that only a mother can achieve.

Phil dropped his shoulders as he relaxed. "I know mum. I just wish things were different down here." His voice was small and sad as he felt small tears of frustration form while he looked down at his shoes. They have this conversation almost daily, and day after day nothing changes. 

His mum patted his face twice before giving it a small pinch which brought a small smile to Phil's face. 

"You know I hate when you do that mum. I'm almost 28 and that makes me feel like a child." He was trying to look cross but he loved it. 

His mother smiled back. "Even if you're legally an adult, you are still my child," she said softly. 

There was a moment of brief silence before his mum clapped her hands together. "Now then! Help me set up for breakfast, love!"

**...**

"Planning on going to the council again today bro?" Phil's brother snickered a little as he asked. Phil may love his brother but sometimes he can be really insufferable.

"Ha-ha yeah, laugh at my dreams why don't you? Are you planning on trying to get Cornelia from the flower shop to notice you again Martyn?" Phil retorted to his brother. 

"At least my dream of sweeping that beautiful redhead off her feet is obtainable!" 

"Actually, I think my dream of living peacefully above Utopia is more feasible." Phil replied full of sass as he took another bite of his meal.

"Jokes on you because Cornelia said she would go on a date with me if I help her with some plants!" 

"You don't even know how to spell plant!"

"You are a plant!" Martyn snaps back.

"Well, you know what?! Your mum is a plant!" Phil says all too quickly without even thinking of who is at that breakfast table...literally right next to him with a scowl on her face now.

"Enough children! You are both nearly 30 yet here you are acting like five year olds!" Their mum wasn't really mad, but still she loved a peaceful meal and this so far from that peace.

"Sorry mum," both boys said in sync. 

There was a brief moment of silence before Martyn cleared his throat before speaking again.

"Hey Phil? Would it actually be okay if I borrowed one of your books on flowers? I really do want to be able to help Cornelia..." Martyn mumbled as a blush dusted his cheeks. 

A smirk pulled up a corner of Phil's lip as his eyebrow quirked in amusement. "What was that? You know my hearing isn't what it used to be." 

"Oi, I know you heard me! Maybe you don't get it because you've never been in love, but I really want to learn for her."

Phil rolled his eyes as he stood up from the table to go retrieve one of his books. 

"Here, I am doing this for the plants and Cornelia." 

Martyn rolled his eyes with a smile on his face as he took the book from his brother, "Thanks bro." 

Phil waved him off as he took his former spot.

"So, Phil, are you going to be working at the flower shop today?" His mum asked with a small hum of contentment now that everything has settled down. 

Phil looked down at his plate as he pushed around some eggs. He knew these eggs were nothing like the real things above the surface. In fact he knew everything in this life was just a poor substitute for what lays beyond. Even the plants are genetically mutated. The plants he loves so much are just a sad replacement for what is real. 

Phil was caught in his thoughts as he then felt a sharp kick to his shin. "Ow! What the Hell!" He squeaked looking over towards his brother. 

"Mum asked you a question." 

"Oh, right. Yeah, I guess I will put in a few hours today. There's a new book I want to buy anyway so..." He rambled off before pushing his egg one last time and standing up. "Anyway, I'm going to get ready." He sounded sad and he knew it, but he was also used to feeling his constant disappointment because he knew that he, himself, was a disappointment to his loved ones.

**...**

"Philly! So glad to have you join today!" A small, petite red head rounded the corner of the flower shop to greet Phil with a smile.

Phil awkwardly lifted his hand into a small wave. "Hey corn-dog, got anything new for me?" 

"You know it!" She beamed as she took his wrist, dragging him to the back.

"I got some new samples in today! This should create a flower called _Azalea_." 

The name sounded pretty enough so Phil was intrigued. He took note of the bright colour of this new flower and wondered if it would fit into the pallet of a sunset. Day dreaming again, he faded from reality and slipped into his dream world. 

A world full of colours and life. 

"-and that is how Azalea made it's way to a country called United States. Hey! Are you even listening?!" 

Phil snapped out of his daze with a shrug. "I got the gist," he lied.

Cornelia sighed. Everyone seemed to sigh around Phil. They knew he was always dreaming and they knew he would never truly be happy so they took pity on him. 

"You know, i have some journals from my great-great grandmother. She wrote a lot about the world before the war...if you want to borrow it." 

Phil's ears perked up as a smile lit up his face. "Really? She really wrote about Earth?! First hand?!" He was nearly vibrating with excitement as Cornelia laughed, shaking her head slightly.

"You are so easy to please. You can borrow it under one condition Philip!" 

"Anything," Phil said and he meant it. He really did. 

"You help your brother with trying to learn how to breed plants." Cornelia's tone was stern but a blush was dusting her cheeks. 

"I knew you liked him," Phil smirked. 

"Shut up and get back to breeding plant boy!" Cornelia walked off to gather the book as Phil began his work with a new pep in his step.

**...**

"Thanks for all your hard work today Philly!"

Utopia would slip into darkness in just a few short minutes so Cornelia was sending Phil off for the night. 

"It was no problem...Sis," Phil grinned at the redhead. 

She swatted his shoulder with the promised journal before handing it over to him with a soft smile. "I know you will probably treat this journal better than you treat yourself, but please don't get your hopes too high. The world she wrote about and remembered is not what the world is today." 

Phil took the book carefully as he ran his long fingers along the worn out material before hugging it closely to himself. "I know Corn," he mumbled.

"As long as you know that then I am happy to let you borrow it as long as you'd like. See you tomorrow?" She asked brightly. 

"Yeah."

**...**

Phil made it back to his home just as the bright light of day instantly slipped into night.

"Mum! I'm home!" Phil was just about singing as he stepped inside. 

"Just in time for dinner! Go wash up and come meet at the table!" Her soft voice rang from the kitchen. 

Phil did just as he was told as he hummed a tune at the sink. He had a journal waiting for him and a promise of new information. 

"You seem chipper. Did you guys discover a new breed of plant or something?" Martyn asked as he bumped Phil over from the sink so he could wash his hands as well. 

"We got in some new flowers called Azaleas today. Actually, I'm going to teach you how to properly breed them." 

Martyn groaned. "Ugh, that sounds boring." 

Phil smirked. "I guess going on a date with a girl who actually likes you is boring as well." 

His brother's face went red as his soap slipped out his hands and fell into the sink. "After dinner you are teaching me every god damn thing you know about Azulus." 

Phil snickered as he turned off the tap for his brother and threw a towel at his face. "No can do tonight bro, I have a date." 

Martyn's mouth fell open in shock. "A date? Like with an actual woman?!" 

"Something like that." Phil laughed as he held up the journal Cornelia gave him before walking out and towards the kitchen where his mum was waiting.

**...**

Luckily, dinner didn't take that long since the entire time Phil's leg was jiggling in anxiety since all he could think about was the words that were awaiting him.

Phil's mum let him leave the table early since he was only half listening to everyone's days anyway and Phil nearly jumped up when she excused him. 

"Don't stay up too late love! I know you are an adult but you still need proper sleep!" His mum was shouting at him as he raced upstairs to his room. 

Phil couldn't help but roll his eyes. He loved his mum, but right now all he wanted to do was lose himself in this journal.

Throwing open the door, Phil jumped onto his bed and opened up the first page of the worn out journal.

_**Entry one** _

__

_I saw a bee today. Its jacket was a vibrant yellow as black stripes wrapped around it in a perfect pattern. How does nature do that? How does it genetically mutate such a lovely, perfect, pattern on such a mysterious creature. Bees are rare now. I heard that they are even nearly extinct. It's sad what this world is coming to. I feel like the downfalls of all these wonderful animals are only the beginning to the downfall of this earth entirely._

Phil sighed as he let the open book rest on his chest while he stared up at the ceiling.

If only entry one knew what was coming.

Phil felt sad now. It was kind of depressing to read a book where he already knew the ending. In fact, he knew the ending all too well since he was living it. 

Instead of continuing his adventure into reality he decided to close his eyes instead and dream. 

He would dream of a better tomorrow. 

A tomorrow where bees are buzzing as colours dance across the sky.

**...**

When Phil woke up it was far too bright. Hasn't the council ever heard of clouds?! Every day is the same and sadly Phil knew today would be no different. 

He sighed as he moved to get out of bed. Something was just sitting so heavily on his chest this morning and that was the weight of reality. He knew that his reality was staying in Utopia for forever. He was doomed to live out this cookie cutter life where every day was the same and every day was only an inch closer to death. Damn, when did he get so morbid? Phil shook away his crisis before heading down for breakfast. 

"Morning love," Phil's mum chirped brightly. 

"Morning mum," Phil replied flatly. 

"If you have an attitude like that day after day nothing is going to change my dear." She hummed not even looking over from her place at the stove. 

"Not like it matters anyway. Nothing ever changes here because every day is meant to be the same. Every day is meant to be perfect. Look outside mum, there isn't even a bloody cloud in the sky! Where is the rain? Where is the excitement?! You know there used to be bees! They stung people, but they also pollinated flowers! REAL FLOWERS! Not this bullshit I breed day in and day out!" Phil snapped. 

His mum stood there for a moment in shock before walking over and embracing her son. "I know you think you are missing out on a lot, but all that is above us now is war." 

Her words were gentle but they still punched Phil straight in the gut. 

_War._

A word that has doomed Earth and humanity since basically the dawn of time. Phil wasn't hungry anymore. 

"I think I'm going to go lay down for a while," he mumbled as he gently pushed himself away from his mother.

**...**

Phil looked over at the journal. It was mocking him now with its stories of life and excitement. Of course Phil knew there was only war now, that's all there has been for nearly one hundred years. Even so, sometimes Phil thinks war would be more interesting than this.

He opened up the journal to learn more about a forgotten world.

_**Entry two** _

__

_I heard that a war has started over in America. There is so much destruction going on not only on the innocent humans but also on nature itself. Animals are being killed, waters are being poisoned, even the air has become polluted. Humans are being taken far too soon by something foreign called obesity. It's quite sad. I hope that they win their battles soon because I remember visiting America in my youth. Florida was nice. It was long stretches of beaches and palm trees that lined every road. I heard that the oceans are considered toxic now. What a shame. I would love to feel those waves pull me under once again._

Phil closed the journal again. He wondered what it was like to live through the start of the war. It must have been hard for Cornelia's grandmother, he thought. He laid back as he let the words sink into his mind. He dreamt of a world even more distant than the one he was reading about. He dreamt of the world before even Cornelia's grandmother.

Phil dreams about beaches. He dreams of miles of sand stretching into a seemingly never ending abyss. He feels his feet sinking into the warm grains as sun heats up the shore along with his skin. 

It all feels so warm, and it all feels so right. 

But it's only a dream.

**...**

There was a soft knocking on Phil's door. He sighed softly as he placed the journal back on his bedside table.

"Come in," he mumbled just barely loud enough for the person outside to hear. 

"Hello love," His mum was gently pushing the door open with a tray in her hand. 

"Hey mum." 

"I brought you up some dinner. Cornelia called earlier to ask if you were coming in, but I told her you weren't feeling too well." She said as she sat down on the edge of Phil's bed, placing the tray on his nightstand. She picked up the journal after placing the food down and ran her gentle fingers across the front. It was like she was trying to absorb the words and try to feel the world her son was lost within so much.

"Thanks mum. Sorry I never came down for lunch today." He felt bad because he knew his mother was trying to understand why he was so sad but sometimes she just didn't get it and he could see that within her eyes. 

"That's alright love, everyone is allowed to lay around every once in a while. It's good to recharge yourself. Feeling any better?" 

Her voice was full of genuine concern which really added insult to injury. He knew that he was hurting and disappointing those around him by dreaming all the time. He felt so bad about himself, about his life, about everything. However, he would never let his mother know that he was this much of a mess at his age. 

"I'm fine," he finally breathed out a beat too late to truly be believable. He could also feel his eyes shift down so he could avoid her's. He knew she looked just as sad as he did and that broke his heart. 

She let out a small sigh before patting Phil's leg twice and standing up, journal still in hand. "Can I borrow this for the night? I'd love to be able to catch a glimpse of the world you see." 

The sincerity of her voice stung. Phil didn't even look up as he mumbled a quick, "yeah." 

She stood there only a moment longer before the door closed with a soft _click_.

Once she was gone Phil found himself curling back up under the blankets, leaving his food untouched as he drifted back to the land above. One where there were entire forests. They had trees, animals, and so much more. 

In Utopia they have trees but their bases are a dark shade of purple with dark blue leaves. Sure they looked pretty, but they were inaccurate. When Phil brought that up to the council they waved him off saying it was the best they could do. 

The council hated Phil. They hated him because he knew more about the surface than they did. They say all Phil does is spew nonsense and waste their time when he should be helping Utopia grow. 

You see, Utopia is small. Only about 65,000 people reside within the entirety of Utopia. 65,250 if you count the delinquents, but no one ever does.

The council wants Phil to settle down, find a wife, and breed actual humans instead of plants. That thought makes Phil's stomach churn. Funny how a Council full of five single men tries to tell Phil he needs to find a partner.

It's not like he hasn't _tried_ dating, it's just that no one keeps his attention in the same way that learning does. That, and he's never fully found himself attracted to any woman in Utopia. It's not like the council cares about his feelings or anything though. 

Phil was thinking too much about unpleasant things. He needed to get out and clear his head.

**...**

After leaving a quick note for his mother, Phil slipped out the front door and began his journey. He wasn't going to go far, just about a mile away where there was a dark forest with dark trees and no sounds. It was creepy, but also it was safe. Everything in Utopia was safe.

His walk felt longer than usual as the stagnant air didn't even create a breeze against his face. Everything out here was too still and sterile. _but it is safe_ .

Looking up at the black abyss that dares to compare itself to the night sky he sighs. He sighs often. Especially as he compares Utopia to the land above. He knows that the sky down here is far too dark to be real. He knows and of course he tried to fix that.

Phil made his way to his favourite tree. It was his favourite because the leaves were actually dark green. The council called it a genetic mutation, but Phil called it a miracle. He sat down in front of his old trusted friend only to have something feel wrong. The ground was wet. 

Phil placed his hands under his rear to feel the liquid for himself. Something was wrong...so very wrong. It never rains in Utopia so why was he feeling something wet like water. 

He pulled his hand up and saw _**red**_. It was red and felt so angry between his fingers and all Phil could do was gawk at the mysterious solution staining his pale skin.

He brought it up to his nose. _Iron_. It smelled like iron, no, it smelled like _blood_.

Phil jumped up and looked down to see a dark trail leading slightly to the side of the supposedly safe path. It looks as if something was dragged into the dense population of trees. 

Of course Phil had to follow it.

**...**

They say at the end of the rainbow there is a pot of gold.

At the end of a blood trail however, there is a body.

He's stiff and contorted as rigor mortis has already ceased every muscle in this former human's body. Phil can't help but lean down and touch his discoloured skin. It's cold to the touch and it has a greyish hue to it as red splatters dot his body like the stars in the sky. Phil feels sick, but he can't look away.

Phil should head home. He should call someone within authority and tell them about this body but instead he finds himself frozen in place staring down into the whites of this lifeless man's eyes where his iris and pupils should be. He never knew a body would look this gross up close. 

Just as Phil was about to move a light blinded him briefly as the world then began to move in slow motion. 

There was screaming, there were lights, and then finally there was _**darkness**_.

**...**

"Can't say that I am surprised to see you here."

The voice that was speaking was so familiar but Phil's eyes were still adjusting so he couldn't quite put a face to the voice. 

"Philip Lester. Are you listening?" 

The voice spoke again and finally a face came into focus as Phil reached over and placed his glasses on the bridge of his nose. Phil recognized him instantly as Joseph, a member of the council. 

"W-Where am I?" Phil asked, voice still graveled. 

"You're in a holding cell. Your trial begins in one hour." 

Before any other question could be answered, a heavy door was slamming shut leaving Phil to stare blankly where the ghost of the council member remained.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil's fate is sealed even further when a beautiful boy becomes his partner.

Phil's leg jiggled relentlessly as he awaited his fate. 

There was no way he would be found guilty, right? Sure he had been seen standing over a dead body but there was no way anyone actually would think it was Phil. 

He ran his hands through his hair as he laughed nervously out loud at his inner thoughts. He probably looked crazy...he definitely looked crazy. 

The door opening gained his attention as he turned towards the sound. 

"Philip Lester, come with me." 

Phil swallowed the thick lump in his throat as he followed the guard without any hesitation or argument.

**...**

"Well, well, well. It seems like you've finally snapped eh, Lester?"

Phil turned to the voice to see Richard, another council member, sitting in a half circle with the entire council surrounding him. 

"Richard, I didn't do anything! I was just going to a walk and when I sat down to read I felt something wet and then-" 

"Let us do the talking," Richard ordered with his hand held up to stop Phil's rambling. 

Phil just nodded before hanging his head low.

"You are brought before us today because you murdered an innocent member of Utopia," Richard said pointedly. 

"But that's the thing, I didn't do anything!" Phil pleaded but something in the back of his mind was telling him this was futile. 

"Really?" Richard said with his brow quirked, almost as if in amusement. "Look down at your hands Phil, is that not blood?" 

Phil looked down to see the offensive liquid still clinging to his skin. He instantly felt sick knowing that this was someone's entire life and now it was on his hands.

"Well?" Richard asked again, growing seemingly impatient the longer Phil's silence lingered. 

"It is but-" 

"According to the regulations of Utopia's public safety we deem you, Philip Michael Lester, a hazard to the innocent members of our society. Due to your crime we commit you to the surface for one year of battle. If you manage to live you are free to return to your normal life." 

Richard's voice made Phil's mind swim and feel numb. He felt everything around him becoming wobbly as he tried to regain his own composure to rebut. The sentence came out so naturally, it was almost as if they had been waiting for this day. Phil knew they hated him, but come on? This much? Phil was in shock. He didn't even notice as large hands grabbed at him to pull him out of the council room and back into his holding cell.

 _one year_. He will be sent up to war for one year. He always thought his first visit to the surface would be safe and secure but now he is being thrown into battle head first. How was he supposed to survive? What will his family think? _Oh God, where is his family?_

He didn't have much time to wonder before the guard from earlier was opening the heavy door with a loud creek. "Philip, you have a visitor." His tone was cold and a little annoyed as if he was being inconvenienced by doing his job. Then again, Phil assumed he never has to work considering Utopia is basically crime-free.

Before he could let his mind drift any further his mother was flying at him, crying into his shoulder. His shoulder was becoming damp with his mother's concerns and he felt more worried about her than himself in that moment.

"Mum, it's okay, I'm okay," He wasn't even sure who he was consoling at this point. 

"My baby, my precious baby, what am I going to do without you?" His mum sniffled into his shirt and pulled him closer, hanging onto him like she wasn't going to let him go without her. 

"Maybe you should have a little more faith in me mum, I'll be okay..." Phil's words came out a little more unsure than he would have liked, but he needed to at least display faux confidence. He gently pushed his mother away from him and held her shoulders at arm's length so he could look into her teary eyes. 

Damn. That hurt. 

"Phil, I know you are strong. Please do everything you can to return home." 

Just then there were several sets of foot steps sounding down the hall. _The council_. It has to be them. He doesn't have much time. 

"Mum, do me a favour. Don't worry about me, yeah? I know that is a lot to ask but please just know that I will be okay. I won't let my time up there be in vain. I will come home, and if I don't...just remember that you are the best mum I could have ever asked for. You have always supported my dreams even when everyone else laughed. I am so thankful, I love you mum." Phil pressed a feather light kiss to his mother's cheek and could taste the salt on his lips from her tears. 

"Take this with you, love. Cornelia said keep it as long as you need, even if it is forever," His mum shakily handed him back the journal. It seemed pointless but Phil would tuck it away as a beacon of hope. He would come back and return it...either in person or in a body bag.

"Visiting hours are over Kathryn," The guard's voice was firm as he motioned for his mum to follow. 

Phil gave her one last reassuring nod before she was gently led out with a hand on her shoulder. 

**...**

"Ready?" The guard asked upon his return.

All Phil could do was nod in response. Not like he has a choice anyway. 

He followed the guard down long stretches of corridors. There was a mirror along way and Phil finally risked a glance.

He looked worse for wear, if he was being honest with himself. His skin was pale, but not his usually milky shade. Instead, it looked as if that milk was left out to spoil. His eye's were lacking his usual luster and were being cradled by dark crescents. His face also had a shadow of rough stubble that usually would be gone by now, but for the time being he had no choice but to keep it. Besides, it pulled his worn out look together. 

"Lester." The guard pulled him away from his reflection before they continued their way towards God knows where. Finally there was a light at the end of this long corridor and Phil couldn't help but laugh at the irony.

"Something funny?" The guard asked.

"It's just so ironic how you are literally leading me to a light at the end of a tunnel," Phil snickered. 

The corner of the guard's mouth twitched like he wanted to smirk before settling back to his flat expression. "I guess it is ironic," he finally said. 

"So, is this really it? I don't get to see the council again? I don't get to say goodbye to my brother?" 

Phil swore the guard almost looked sad for a moment. His tone remained cold however as he replied with a single word, "no."

The rest of the walk was silent as they made their way to the light. Phil anticipated that light to be sunlight, but instead it was a bright-sterile light in an empty room. 

"Uh, Mister Guard, what is this?" 

"Briefing room. Before you head up to the surface you are going to be taught some ground rules." 

"Seems like a lot of work for someone basically sentenced to death," Phil couldn't help but laugh bitterly.

"Believe it or not, we aren't rooting for your death. Even though our soldiers are hardened criminals, they are still assets to our community because they fight for the innocent members of our society." 

"Unless they are wrongly accused," Phil mumbled. 

The guard seamed to ignore Phil's remark as he moved onto the next topic. 

"You'll be partnered with someone for basic training. Hand to hand combat, weapons, all that good stuff." 

"Oh, goodie! I get weapons!" Phil's tone was sarcastic but the guard finally cracked a smile. 

"Just don't forget to aim at the enemies and not yourself. Now take a seat," the gaurd motioned to a solitary chair in the room. 

"I better be getting dinner with this movie." 

Another laugh was earned. "Sorry mate. I have to head out now but your trainer will be down shortly to lead you up to the surface so for now sit back and relax while you can. Also, enjoy the air conditiong." 

With that, the guard left as the film began.

**...**

_Utopia, a safe haven..._

Phil began to zone out as he has heard this speech a million times. He knew already that Utopia was safe. He already knew that criminals fought in the war. He already knew he was basically a fucking goner. Everything was so shit and even though he is finally making his way to the land he has studied and dreamed about since the day he was born, this is **not** how he wanted it.

Phil thought about his family. He thought about never seeing them again and honestly that is what hurt the most. He loved his family and honestly they were all he had so without them and their support he honestly was as good as dead. How could he possibly survive this year? Well, maybe he should think about what he should fight for. 

He should fight for them. He should fight for their future. A future without war. 

Phil pulled the journal that Cornelia had given him out as his long fingers tentatively ran along its worn out features. He would bring back this world. No. He would bring back a better world. 

Suddenly a voice broke him out of his concentration. 

"Do you always caress books in your free time? Because, if you need a moment alone I can come back."

The voice was sarcastic and unfamiliar, coming from behind him. 

"What's it to you-" 

Phil felt his breath catch as he turned to face the new voice. 

The stranger had a smirk on his face and an eyebrow raised along with it. His face was beautiful. So beautiful that Phil forgot any adjective he has ever learned. His mind went numb as this person took over every brain cell and twisted his tongue so he couldn't even respond. Who allowed someone to be so damn pretty, espcially a male. His brunette locks were a mess on his head, but it was a chaotic beauty--almost like every wave had a place and it all made sense. His eyes were a soft chocolate and as he moved in closer, Phil found treasure. Flecks of gold to be exact. 

Well, maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.

Phil was snapped out of his daze, literally. The stranger was snapping at him as his mouth hung agape in wonder of this beautiful man. 

"Oh hell, did they send me a broken one? Ben!" He was shouting, presumably to the guard. 

"I'm not broken," Phil finally found his words. 

"I guess I'll be the full judge of that. I'm Dan by the way." 

"Dan." Phil mumbled, tasting the name on his tongue. It felt good, almost natural. 

Dan coughed a little, obviously feeling a little awkward. "Yeah, you must be Phil. I'll be training you but by the looks of it I won't be training you for long." 

"Are you calling me fit?" Phil quirked his brow, feeling bold. 

The laugh that sounded after that question deflated all of Phil's confidence but stirred his heart as he took in the features of this man as he laughed. His face went from sarcastic and cold to playful and carefree in an instant. His laugh was boisterous, but it didn't gnaw at him like other obnoxious laughs. The cherry on top of all this though were the deep dimples that caved in his cheeks 

_Damn, Phil already had it bad._

"You know, you could not be a dick," Phil mumbled. He might all ready be whipped as fuck for this guy but that still doesn't mean he can't be hurt.

"Just being honest mate," Dan chuckled. "Now then, if you're done having happy fun time with your book we should get heading up to the surface. It's so cold down here I honestly don't know how you stay down here all the time." Dan rambled as he began to walk out of the room and into the hallway. 

Phil was frozen there for a moment. The shock from this past day seemed to have finally began to catch up with him. He realized in this moment that even though he's been dreaming of the world above for as long as he can remember, he did not want this moment. He wanted to stay down here in Utopia. It's safe down here. His family is down here. Dammit, he did nothing wrong so why is he forced to leave Utopia now?! Hot tears of frustration began to prick the corner's of his eyes. This is honestly the worst he's ever felt. 

"Oh come on, don't cry on me." Dan was coming back into the room, rolling his eyes at Phil who had indeed begun to sob. 

Phil sniffled as he wiped his nose with the sleeve of his jumper. "Sorry, it's just-" his sentence was lost to another broken sob.

"Hey man, I get it. I was in your shoes once too. Don't worry though, I won't let you get killed. I was just kidding earlier. You and me, we are a team now." 

Dan's voice was actually sincere and his words were soft. They comforted Phil and suddenly he thought that this really won't be so bad. 

"Yeah, okay, we are a team." Phil nodded before looking straight into soft chocolate eyes. They comforted him just like a cup of hot cocoa on a cold day. "I think I'm ready now then, Dan." 

Phil squared his shoulders and stood tall as he followed Dan to the lift that would carry them to the surface. 

_Finally, freedom._

**...**

Phil always assumed the air would sit heavier in his lungs above the surface but he was not prepared for it to also taste bitter against his tongue.

He coughed as his body kept searching for the clean air it was used to, but it was all in vain. There is no such thing as _clean_ up here. 

"My," cough, cough "God." Phil's throat felt dry as his voice came out hoarse. 

"Get used to this because it is your new norm. Now then, follow me," Dan began moving forward swiftly.

Phil had no idea how Dan was even moving at all. Everything was so heavy up here as well. Nothing felt right at all. 

A chuckle broke Phil's inner whining. "Heavy right? Yeah, get used to that too. One more thing, take this." 

Dan was chucking something at Phil full force. Phil gave a small yelp as he ducked to dodge the object, letting it land somewhere in the distance behind him. 

"Bloody hell, that sun cream was hard to come by! I noticed how pale you are so I got it for you!" Dan's tone was somewhere between annoyance and pure whiny.

"For me?" Phil knew he looked dumbfounded as he just pointed to himself. 

Dan sighed as he moved past Phil to pick up the item he threw. Phil's breath hitched as his world then began to move in slow motion. He felt rough, calloused, hands gently wrap around the smooth skin of his wrist and pull it up so he can gently place the foreign object into the palm of Phil's hand. 

"For you," Dan said lowly with a small smirk.

It was hard enough to breathe up here and Dan was only making it worse. At this rate, Phil would be dead before he even hits the battlefield. He looked down at the item, curious on what its purpose is. 

"Are you just going to stare at it all day or actually apply it? I don't know if you know this but the sun is hot and burns skin," Dan was rolling his eyes again.

"Your eyes are going to get stuck like that if you keep rolling them," Phil said as he finally opened the container. He gave it a sniff-- _not offensive_ , he thought. Actually, it smelled quite nice. He imagined this is what the beach would smell like. "So, what is this again?" He had to know before he just put it on his skin. 

"Sun cream. It protects you from the sun," Dan scoffed as if it were obvious. 

"What does the sun do? I mean it's purpose is to bring light to the world and nurture plants. It also provides vitamin D to humans which is positive. Why would I need protection?" Phil asked completely baffled at this point. He's never even read about any negative effects of the sun. 

Dan just shrugged at this, "Take your chances then mate but just know aloe vera is even harder to find around here." 

"Aloe....what?" 

Dan let out a heavy sigh. "I thought you were well versed in what it's like above Utopia. In fact, the council told me you were down-right annoying with your knowledge."

Phil let out a bitter laugh. "Well, they aren't my biggest fans. I know a lot about plants actually." 

"And you don't know what Aloe Vera is plant boy?" Dan said with arms crossed over his chest and a quirked brow.

"If Utopia doesn't have me breed it then it then no, probably not." 

Dan looked at Phil with a curious expression. He looked like he wanted to ask more questions, but instead he just reached out to take the sun cream back before squirting a little in his hand. "Here, you are already turning a little pink," Dan mumbled as careful hands began spreading the cream on his face. 

Phil already knew his face was probably already turning into a deeper shade of pink as all the blood rushed to his face at the touch. Once Dan's hands moved away he could only stutter out a quick "t-thanks."

Dan clasped the sun cream back shut before placing it back into his pocket since it was a small container. "No worries. Now then, are you ready for actual training?"

**...**

"We've been walking for ages Dan!" Phil whined as the pair continued along the sweltering path. Phil was wearing a jumper and black jeans and even though the sleeves were pushed up now, it did not stop the moisture gathering along every gland.

"Shut up and drink this," Dan said as he un-clipped a canister from a belt loop and tossed it at Phil. 

Phil was honestly surprised he didn't notice all the random stuff Dan had on him earlier since he's been _not so_ discreetly checking him out. Upon further inspection he noticed that Dan's black pants were almost like a fashionable cargo pant. Practical, while also hugging thighs that looked so good that they should be illegal. Phil knew that Dan was carrying sun cream, water, and likely some form of a weapon. He then felt the blood drain from his face when he remembered why he was really up here and why Dan would even need a weapon. 

Thankfully, Dan pulled him out of his crisis before it could spiral any further. 

"Are you going to drink your water or not? Because if you think I am going to carry your ass to base if you pass out, you've got another thing coming." 

Phil couldn't resist to laugh a little at Dan's persistent whining as he finally opened the canister before taking a long, gracious, sip. He finished his swig with a grateful _ahhh_. "Something tells me that your morals would never let you leave me out here to die," Phil finally replied with a smirk.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that. Now then, it's only about another uhhhhh six kilometers to the base! Come on Phil, keep up!" Dan teased as he picked up the pace of his long strides. 

"Six?! That is going to take forever!" Phil groaned. 

"It will take even longer if you keep up your whining! Come on, keep up scrub!" Dan continued to tease Phil before a mischievous smirk lifted the corners of his lips and he began jogging away from Phil. 

"Daaaaan! Come on! I don't even exercise and the air is heavy and it huuuuuurts!" 

"I can't hear yooou!"

Phil couldn't help but roll his eyes because Dan was a character. He's been around him for less than 24 hours and he could already tell that his personality was as unique as each untamed wave in his hair. He was witty, sarcastic, and playful in a way that was infuriating but oh so adorable. 

What other choice did Phil have but to follow?


	3. Chapter 3

__

  
**Entry 3:**

_I met a traveller from an antique land,_  
Who said—“Two vast and trunkless legs of stone  
Stand in the desert. . . . Near them, on the sand,  
Half sunk a shattered visage lies, whose frown,  
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,  
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read  
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,  
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed;  
And on the pedestal, these words appear:  
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings;  
Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!  
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay  
Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare  
The lone and level sands stretch far away.”  
\- Percy Bysshe Shelley  


_Reading through this poem gives me hope for the future. It might not be obvious but this poem shows the downfall of even the "king of kings". The war has now officially taken over which is why my entries have been few and far between. It's been nearly six months now but I keep reading over Ozymandias as my little beacon of hope. Ozymandias - the leaders of this war - will fall._

Phil closed the journal and sighed as he placed the open book on his chest. They had made it to the base which seems to be a safe enough building so he can relax. Dan had told him that weapon training begins tomorrow which honestly makes Phil want to leave his small room and run, but there is no where to run to. 

Phil feels frustrated; trapped. He thought his experience up here would be so much different. He didn't even get to see the sun set today because Dan told him it's not safe when it's dark. 

Hell, it's not safe when it's light either and that is the reality of this world.

Before he could dwell on this further, there was a knock on his door. 

"Come in," Phil called out without bothering to move. 

"Bad time?" Dan said pushing the door open carefully, not making any attempt to actually move past it until he had the okay. 

"Not really, what do you need?" Phil asked finally closing the journal and sitting up, making room next to him for Dan. 

Dan moved and took the spot all the way at the edge of the bed. "I was told you know a lot about what this world was like before the war...is that true?" his voice was small as he asked. 

"I guess so. You seem to know a lot about the world post war..." Phil replied carefully. 

Dan seemed to visibly tense up at this which made Phil regret the words he just said. He wished he could take them back but they were already out there. 

"Unfortunately. This world...now...it's cold. People don't care about each other...You seem different though."

"Probably because I am not a hardened criminal," Phil said as his hands scrunched his sheets. He felt the air becoming thick with tension, this was not a conversation he wanted to have. 

"I'm not either, I'm just an unfortunate Utopian who had to do bad things for his family." 

The walls of Dan already began to crumble as he shared a small insight into his life. 

"Want to talk about it?" Phil asked. He wasn't sure why, because honestly all he wanted was to be alone again. 

"Maybe one day. I didn't come in here for a sob story though. I came in here to ask what time you'd like to wake up."

Phil thought about it. Honestly? He never wanted to wake up. That, or, he wanted to wake up and find this was all one big nightmare. He wanted to wake up and find himself in his own bed, in his own home. He wanted to smell pancakes and see sterile light. The sun up here might be warm but the rest of this world is so cold. He finally is beginning to see this world for what it really is now. _Cold._... 

_**I met a traveller from an antique land.**_

"In time to see the sun rise." Phil said without a doubt.

Dan groaned at this but there was a feint smile pulling at his lips. "What is with you and the bloody sun? First you wanted to sit out and watch the sun set and now you want us to wake up at the ass crack of dawn so we can watch the sun rise?!" 

Phil laughed a little as he playfully kicked at Dan's shin. "Hey, don't hate on my life goals." 

Dan sighed as he stood up, stretching his arms over his head as several bones popped. "Your life goals are so pure." Dan paused for a moment before looking back at Phil with a smirk, "They suit you." 

With that he was heading out the door without another word.

Once the door closed Phil laid back down to stare up at the plain white ceiling. Funny how someone who's known him less than 24 hours is willing to give in and make Phil's dreams come true. Dan seemed like a good person. This made Phil curious on how he got mixed up in trouble and sent up here. 

Phil shook those thoughts away. Now was not the time. Instead, Phil closed his eyes to drift off to a happier place.

**...**

Phil woke up with a start as his door was flying open.

He grabbed at his chest, trying to settle his poor heart as he tried to make sense of what was going on. He saw Dan, standing there, wide-eyed and panting. 

"What is going on?! Are we going to die?!" Phil was shaking; he knew he was. His voice came out more as a scream as he was no longer able to remain calm. 

Dan seemed to relax a bit as he took a deep breath in. "No..no. Sorry, I just over slept and we uh...missed the sun rise." Dan was awkwardly rubbing at the back of his neck, looking sheepish now as he admitted his mistake.

"Oh...haha...okay," Phil was still trying to calm down. His hands were still shaky...they always were. 

"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you. However, now i see what you are like when you are in a panic." 

"Synopsis?"

"I'm fucked," Dan said with a laugh.

Phil threw his pillow at Dan and revelled in the high pitched hyena laugh that ensued.

"If you are done abusing me lets get some breakfast I'm starving!" Phil whined. 

"Me? Abusing you?! You just threw a fucking pillow at me!" 

"Language!" Phil moved forward to clasp his hand around Dan's mouth. He wasn't actually offended, in fact he was laughing as he held his hand against the other's lips. 

"MHMHMPH" 

"I'm sorry, cant hear you!" Phil was laughing like a mad man now as Dan continued to try and talk against his hand. 

It was all fun and games until Phil felt something moist. 

"DID YOU JUST FUCKING LICK ME?!" Phil screeched. 

"HA! WHO NEEDS TO WATCH THEIR MOUTH NOW!" Dan squealed with a shrill laugh.

The two looked at each other for a moment before breaking back out into hysterics. This felt right - natural even. Everything felt so right even in the middle of a war. Dan was everything Phil needed in his life. He was spontaneous, all over the place, but somehow still put together. It may be cliche, but Phil feels like he has known Dan for years...maybe even his whole life. 

Dan was like a guide. A guide to happiness. 

_I met a traveller from an antique land._

**...**

"I don't know about this Dan..." 

Phil's voice was shaky as he pulled back on the bowstring. 

Obviously there was no arrow in place, but Phil was still nervous with the thought that soon there would be one on the arrow rest. Of course he would rarely use this weapon on humans as this was mostly for hunting for food. 

"Oh come on Phil, it won't bite. Pull back more or else you won't get any distance!" Dan commanded from the other side of the empty gym. 

Phil winced a little as the tight bowstring dug into his soft hands that have yet to become calloused. His muscles also flexed as he pulled back, stretching his own limits as he felt the burn throughout his arms. 

"Is it supposed to hurt this much?" Phil asked before releasing the bowstring with a snap. 

Dan chuckled as he moved across the gym with an arrow in his hand. 

Phil eyed it with a nervous glance as he swallowed thickly knowing one day this tool would be to kill. He couldn't even ponder it any further before Dan was picking up his hand and placing the dammed thing in his open palm.

"Don't be such a baby, I won't let you hurt yourself," Dan said gently. 

Phil felt heat creep up and settle into his cheeks as his hands began to shake for a different reason. He looked over at Dan one last time with wide eyes as he placed the bow on the arrow rest, using the sight to guide him to the target ahead. He pulled back on the bowstring with much more strength than before in hopes of at least making it across the gym to the target. That was the goal he set for himself. With a deep breath held in he set it free with the arrow as it whizzed the distance, just barely hitting the corner of the target before falling off. 

Phil blew out the rest of the air in his lungs with a huff of frustration. He had used literally all his strength and it wasn't enough. He felt deflated and defeated.

"Don't look so sad, you did really well for your first shot!" Dan tried to praise him, but Phil was always hard on himself. 

He could only give a small nod as his hands squeezed tightly at the grip on the bow. 

"Here, let me show you," Dan said taking the bow from Phil's unsteady hands. 

Dan then moved swiftly across the gym to retrieve the fallen arrow before making his way back to his spot next to Phil.

Before Phil could even blink, the arrow was flying across the room nailing the target straight on the bull's eye. 

"See, simple," Dan said lightly but his words definitely cut into Phil's poor ego.

"That's easy to say when you've been doing this for years, before today I have never even seen a bow and arrow besides in history books." Phil said with his cheeks puffed out a little. 

"Simmer down Lester, I know you aren't going to become a warrior in a day. Believe it or not you are actually already doing better than I was when i first started." 

"Wait...Really?" Phil asked with hope restoring throughout his body.

"Yes really, now, let's try again."

**...**

Phil has been working all afternoon on his archery skills.

His hands were blistered, his muscles were sore, and he was feeling quite fragrant after hours of shooting at a target.

"Can we relax for a bit? Maybe read a little?" Phil asked as he stretched out his hands after having them clasped around a bow for what felt like ages. The stretch hurt as it sent a burn through the blisters, but it also felt oddly satisfying to know that his hard work caused this.

"Read what exactly? It's not like we have books laying around up here," Dan said as he took the bow from Phil and placed it back on its rack in the gym. 

"Uh, I have my journal..." Phil said in a low whisper, almost as if he wanted it to be a secret. 

Dan quirked a brow as he made his way back over to Phil, a look of interest sparkling his eyes. "Well, what are we waiting for?"

**...**

__  
****  
****

**_Entry 4:_ **

_

I'm pregnant.

_

That single sentence made Phil suck in a sharp breath. Suddenly this journal felt far too personal and he felt the need to put it down...but sadly he wasn't alone and a low whistle turned his attention to the other person who was now leaning closer into his personal space.

"Woah, that's some heavy stuff right there," Dan chimed in as his almond eyes moved back and forth to take in those two words once again.

Phil let out a nervous laugh as he moved to close the journal, "Heh, yeah, maybe we should find something else." 

"Maybe...but don't you wanna know what happened?" Dan's eyes were full of curiosity and Phil felt his stomach flip. 

"Technically, I already know what happens."

Dan sighed, "I guess in a way we all know what happens. It almost feels like we are reading a story in reverse since we already know the ending."

Phil let those words sink in as his mind laughed bitterly reminding himself that he felt the same exact way while reading this. Phil closed the journal, not in the mood to read anymore as he turned to Dan who was sitting next to him on his bed. 

"What do you think the ending is Dan?" 

It was a loaded question in a sense. Dan seemed to understand it though as Phil watched the gears turn in his mind. 

"Honestly who knows. We are all going to die one way or another," He said with a shrug sounding so sure of himself. 

If you were to ask Phil what he thought, he would disagree. Although this world has been unfair to him he may just pick up the optimism Cornelia's grandmother radiated. 

"Why do you think that?" Phil asked--he had to know.

"Well, it is true. Death is inevitable," Dan continued as if it were a casual conversation. 

"Yeah, but don't you want to make a better life for yourself? Your children?" 

"I don't have any children Phil," Dan laughed. 

Phil rolled his eyes a little, "What about in the future Dan." 

There was a tense silence for a long moment. The air felt thick and suddenly colder as Dan's expression changed from light to dark. It was almost like the contrast of Day to Night back at home with how sudden it was. 

"You can't exactly plan a future up here." 

Dan said it so low Phil almost didn't hear him, even so he understood. Up here is no place to plan a future; it's no place to start a family. Those words bore into Phil's heart as it broke a little not only for Dan, but for himself because now those words were his reality. The weight of this whole situation is finally sinking in. It was so easy until now to get lost in laughs and soft chocolate eyes, but now Phil had to gear up and remember that soon he may not even be here.

_This is no place to plan a future._


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil finally gets to feel the sensation of rain.

**Entry 4:**

_I'm pregnant._

Phil kept gawking at those words as if they would change. He did end up staring at it long enough for it to start looking wonky but the entire message remained the same. The world of Cornelia's grandmother was about to get even more hectic. Phil was about to tuck away his journal for the night considering Dan had promised yet again to wake Phil in time for the sunrise but curiosity was drawing him back to the texts.

_I've never had anything to protect, but now I do. I have so much more to live for and my world is growing....is what I want to write. Honestly, I have never been more terrified. I can be honest here because these thoughts are my own and for myself...I also guess in the future they will be for my unborn child, and their children._

"And their children's children's friend," Phil mumbled to himself.

_Honestly, I feel unmotivated because everything feels pointless. How am I supposed to wander to safety whilst carrying a child? It's been hard enough on my own and one day I will have to find shelter for two. Maybe I am just ranting...maybe I am just losing hope. I hope one day I prove myself wrong. Maybe setting a list of goals for myself will help--a bucket list if you will. Although, a bucket list is meant to be for someone who is dying. At least that is what my mother used to tell me when I told her about my previous wishes. Regardless, I hope one day I can fulfill my own wishes._

Phil sighed as he closed the book and turned over away from the nightstand he placed it on. He felt himself losing hope in real time along with the woman from the past. How is he supposed to survive this year? A year felt like nothing when he was in Utopia but now a year feels like a lifetime. Phil knew he needed to get some sleep and that is exactly what he did.

**...**

Phil woke up to someone gently nudging his shoulder.

"mmph," He whined as he closed his eyes tighter, hoping to escape from this reality.

"I mean, if you don't want to see your precious sunrise I can always knock back out for another hour," Dan's voice replied.  
Phil sat up in an instant as Dan then rolled his eyes with a huff. "I figured that would be your response. Damn, I was really hoping for more sleep," He kept complaining to himself.

Phil ignored the complaints to take long strides to his closet so he could grab himself a jacket. Utopia was nice enough to send up some of his former clothing items but of course that was a courtesy they granted everyone.

"I don't think I have ever seen you move so fast, plant boy," Dan remarked with a smirk. "Good move on grabbing a coat however, it can get pretty chilly after it's rained overnight."  
Phil's eyes widened at the mention of rain. He has read about it countless times but of course Utopia being as perfect as it is, it has never seen rainfall.

"Is it still raining?" He asked with far too much hope enveloping his tone. He sounded like a child on Christmas asking his mum if the puppy was really for him.

"Uhhhh, maybe? Dunno. I stopped hearing the downpour about an hour ago so it might still be drizzling. If it is, that just may be bad news for you because it will be far too cloudy to see the sun rise at all."

"Clouds?! Rain?!"" Phil chirped with excitement.

"...Wait are you actually happy about that?" Dan asked flatly.

"HOW ARE YOU NOT?! THERE IS ACTUAL WEATHER UP HERE DAN!"

Dan stared back at him blankly before blinking a few times and busting out into laughter.

"Hey! It's not nice to laugh at someone's dreams," Phil pouted.

Dan let his boisterous laughs trickle down into a giggle as he looked at Phil with a much softer expression.

"It's not that. It's just as I said the other day, your dreams are as pure as you are. Well I guess if it is still overcast that gives us an excuse to wake up early another day to see a proper sunrise. look at us working on your bucket list together!"

Those words made Phil's heart stop.  
_A bucket list is meant to be for someone who is dying._

As if Dan sensed the sudden shift in Phil's demeanor he moved closer to him to gently place his hand between Phil's shoulder blades to gently guide him out the room.

"Come on, we are going to miss it if we wait around all morning," Dan said gently.

All Phil could do was dumbly nod as his eyes fixated down towards his feet.

 _A bucket list is for someone who is dying._ His mind kept taunting him with those words. They aren't even true, per se because a bucket list is just another word for a list of dreams--dreams that are much easier to obtain throughout one's life.

With a gentle hand guiding him, the pair finally made their way outside where it was indeed still raining.  
Phil immediately perked up as he felt cold drops lightly peppering whatever exposed skin was available. He immediately closed his eyes to listen to the droplets drumming against his jacket along with the ground. It was soothing and it was calming as the water hitting his flesh refreshed him in a way he never knew was possible.

_Heaven._

That was the only word Phil could think of to describe this moment. He's never experienced something so delightful as all his senses were enveloped by the rain.  
When he opened his eyes he could see streaks of clear casting downwards from the heavens above.  
When he opened his mouth he could taste the crisp cool water against his tongue. It didn't taste like the water he was used to--it tasted more earthly.  
He could still feel as the rain drops slightly pitted against his skin, refreshing him as goosebumps began to arise as a brisk wind danced throughout the open plains.  
The droplets were still drumming against all available surfaces and Phil finally understood why he would constantly read about people falling asleep to the rain in old stories from earth's better days. He knows if he wasn't getting so dampened he could easily fall asleep to this sound. He then remembered something Dan had said earlier.

"Hey, you said you could hear the rain earlier...how could you if it was outside?"

Dan looked over at Phil with a cocked brow. "I have a room on the top floor with a sky roof. I hear everything."

"Does that also mean you always see the sun rise??" Phil asked excitedly, like a puppy.

"And every sunset. You know, it loses its luster after just a few nights." Dan said as he looked up to the sky, cursing as a raindrop hit him dead in the eye. "All these things are inconveniences. You'll start to hate the rain once you have to run for your life in it."

Phil sucked in a sharp breath at those words. He knows one day he will very well be running in this rain...is it true it will lose its luster in those moments?  
Phil gently lowered his head as he took a deep inhale through his nose, relishing in the scent that lingered. It was fresh, crisp, and like nothing he has ever smelled before. He wondered what a garden would smell like after a fresh rain...  
another item to add to his supposedly ever growing bucket list.

**...**

After the morning rain it was time to resume training. Dan had mentioned he was particularly excited about today’s because this next weapon was his specialty. Turns out, that specialty was a knife.

“Are you sure about this Dan? I mean, I barely managed an arrow and now you are giving me knives? Aren’t these for close up combat?” Phil asked the moment the object was placed into his hands. Dan smiled as he took a few steps back away from Phil. 

“Not necessarily, check this out.”  
Phil was about to open his mouth to question Dan but in that brief half moment a knife that was hidden somewhere on Dan had already made its way across the gym and straight to the bullseye. If Phil didn’t see the clean target just a moment ago he may have even convinced himself that Dan had placed it there when he wasn’t looking. 

“So, these knives are for throwing then?” Phil asked, still dumbfounded. 

“Yeah, and close combat like you mentioned. However, you can leave that to me,” Dan assured him. 

Phil tensed up at that. Has Dan actually used these knives to take someone’s life? Suddenly, the knife in Phil’s hand felt like it was burning him with the weight of that question as he instantly let it drop. 

“Careful, you don’t want that going straight into your foot do you?” Dan asked as he walked forward to pick up the fallen object. He then looked up at Phil who’s eyes were still widened in horror. Dan seemed to understand what Phil was thinking at that moment so he placed the knife back in his cargo pants. 

“Why don’t we work on your archery some more? You can be the one who gathers food for us.” 

Phil still feels uneasy about killing anything at all even if it is for nutrients but he does relax a little at this. “Yeah, archery,” he finally nods. 

Phil is getting better and for that he is glad but he is also worried that mastering this craft too soon will mean they will have to actually go out on the main field sooner than anticipated. Dan mentioned it would be roughly a month give or take before that happens depending on how everything goes. Apparently, Dan was sent out in only two weeks but some have taken upwards of 3 months. It all depends on training. However, one thing is clear, your official sentence doesn’t begin until you hit the battlefield. If it weren't for that Phil may have just stayed in training for the entire year but of course the council knew better...they always have.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On a sleepless night Dan and Phil confide in one another.

****

**entry 5:**

_I discovered something recently...it’s nothing monumental. Actually it's more of a personal discovery, but I realised that looking at the stars calms not only myself but my unborn child as well. Hi, by the way, journal. I know it’s been a few months...six to be exact. I didn’t mean to go this long without a single word but frankly, I haven’t had any words to write down. I’ve been so concerned about staying alive that little things such as a status report on my mental health seemed trivial. It’s bad...in case you were wondering, but the stars make it better. You see, the stars are the only thing in this entire world that haven’t changed since this war started. Actually, I don’t know much about the rest of the world but from what I’ve heard it’s about the same at least that’s what everyone I come across says. I’ve also heard that a council has come together with a proposition. They are offering shelter and safety for a few minor agreements and all we have to do is simply follow the laws of society and not commit crimes. Honestly, I am considering taking up this offer. They are calling it **Utopia**. I have five days until I get to their supposed entrance, but from how things are looking up here it’s an offer I would be stupid to refuse. I’ll try to keep in touch and hopefully next time I will be writing from Utopia._

Phil closed the journal. So he finally reached it...the origin of his world. It’s been a few weeks since Phil came to the surface and his progress with archery had come far enough that Dan predicted they would be on the battlefield in about two more weeks. That honestly scared Phil more than anything. In fact, He hasn’t been sleeping much lately. At first, it was defiance because he thought that maybe lack of sleep would somehow slow his progress of his training but sadly he found himself still making progress, and then what at first was rebelion just turned into full blown insomnia. He thought about telling Dan about his sleeping issues because maybe he had some sort of earthly concoction to help his mind ease into sleep, but he decided against it...until it was too much. 

It was late and the night was still. Phil found himself outside of Dan’s door wondering if this was a bad idea because honestly, it probably was. Dan was a sensible guy so he was probably asleep; it was safe to assume he was asleep. Phil was about to turn around until the door opened up and he was face to face with the man who should have been dreaming. 

“Fucking hell Lester! Just so you know if you kill me you still have to go to the battlefield. In fact, killing someone would probably get you the fast pass straight into the centre of it all.” Dan tried to joke but he was met with not a single hint of a smile. Reading the room, Dan dropped his smirk and pulled on a worried expression instead. “What is it Phil? Is everything okay?” He asked. 

In that moment Phil felt every emotion he’s been bottling up bubble up to the surface before exploding. He thought about his family. His mother and brother along with his work family including Cornelia. He thought about meals with them and work and doing what he loved. He thought about his longing for knowledge about the world he is now faced with and how much he hated it currently. He hated his previous ignorance. There was no way Earth would be the way he imagined because that Earth died long ago. He thought about this all and let all his worries and concerns surface and spill down his cheeks. 

“Hey, man, it’s going to be okay…” Dan tried but he sounded unsure as he awkwardly tried to pat Phil’s shoulder. He wasn’t even making eye contact and he looked honestly a little scared. 

With snot and tears combining into a disgusting concoction Phil couldn’t help the laugh that began to overtake his sobs. 

“Okay now you are scaring me. First you are standing in front of my door in the middle of the night, then you burst out crying without an explanation, and now you are laughing? All without saying a fucking word? Am I missing a joke or am I the joke? Because if there is something you know about me that I don’t-” 

“Dan!” Phil said with a snort. “You are going spiraling so fast I can’t even keep up! I was outside of your door because I can’t sleep...actually I haven’t been able to sleep for days, maybe even weeks. I just thought maybe you had some tips and tricks to help.” Phil explained sheepishly. 

Dan seemed to calm down at this explanation. “Oh, that’s all? Well, you are asking the wrong person because I can’t sleep either but at least now we can keep each other company or something?” 

“Or something…” Phil pondered for a moment before remembering something Dan had explained weeks ago. “Hey, you have a skylight in your room right? I promise I am not asking to watch the sunrise again. Which, by the way, we still keep sleeping past. I’m asking if you think the stars are peaceful to look at?” 

Dan seemed to ponder this for a moment before giving a smile. “Yeah, I guess they can be. I look at them a lot when I’m thinking.” 

“You think? About what?” Phil asked half curious, half jokingly. 

“I don’t know, I just wonder about life and think about the fact the stars in the sky remain untouched and unbothered even by a war. I swear this war has been going on so long that people don’t even know why we are still fighting. I think about how different the world could and should be and the fact that I feel like the legal system in place isn’t as great as it seems.” Dan ranted off. 

He had some points. As far as Phil could think back he has never had a clear answer on how this war even started. Cornelia’s grandmother explained some details of the start but clearly nothing has eased up. Some conspiracists even believe the war is made up, but obviously that can’t be true or else it would have been discovered and uncovered by now. 

“I can literally hear the gears in your head turning Phil, tell me what’s up?” Dan asked. 

“Nothing. It’s stupid really and we shouldn’t even be talking about it. If the council ever heard you they would-” 

“What? Give me more time? Buddy, I am here for life.” 

Phil gave a snort in response. There was no way Dan was here for life; he had to be joking or exaggerating, right? Phil has never heard of a life sentence not even for the worst criminals. Hell, he’s accused of MURDER and he only has a year to his name. What could Dan have possibly done? 

“You’re joking, right?” Phil had to ask. 

Dan sighed then shook his head. “No, I’m serious. Besides, even if I went back to Utopia I wouldn’t have anywhere to go. My family is gone, Phil. Mostly because of that I’m stuck up here, but in a way I choose to be. You see, I did some bad things in my youth but now I stay here because it’s all I know so I work for Utopia basically as a permanent soldier. They can’t add to my time because I am already in it until the day I die on the battlefield.” 

Phil couldn’t help but feel bad for Dan and his circumstances. Now he understood a little bit more about how he worked and his mindset. The surface was his home due to unfortunate circumstances and it seemed as if death was Dan’s only constant companion whether it was his family, friends, or even enemies he was surrounded by death constantly. 

“Okay Dan this may sound silly, but do you think we could look at the stars from your skylight?”

Dan gave a shrug before waving Phil into his room. “I was about to get some water before you scared the living hell out of me but now I am thinking some calming tea may help both of us. Would you like some?” Dan asked 

Phil smiled at the question and nodded in return. Dan left his room and Phil found his way over to Dan’s bed. It may seem odd to take up space like this in another man’s room, but Phil knew Dan didn’t care about those boundaries. In fact, he always seemed to break them in Phil’s room whenever they sat side by side talking about next day plans. Phil then leaned back on his hands as he tilted his head upwards to look at the skylight.

Cornelia’s grandmother was right, the stars were calming. He smiled knowing that in a way these were the same stars that calmed her down and hopefully in a better future they would calm so many others down as well. One day Phil would hate these stars however, and he knew it. One day he will be hiding for his life under these stars, one day he will be losing his life under these stars, and one day he may even take someone else’s life under these stars. If he is lucky the last two scenarios won’t be true but his life has been unfortunate thus far so he isn’t too hopeful. Feeling a little frustrated the stars began to drown under his tears. He couldn’t let Dan see him this way so he had to pull himself together. However, before he could even begin to wipe his frustrations away, the door opened. 

“Hey, crying again?” Dan asked before sitting down next to Phil. 

“I do that a lot, don’t I?” Phil chuckled. 

Dan looked at him and gave a sympathetic smile. “I used to do that a lot too when I first came here. My parents had just gone missing and were presumed dead then I was caught stealing some medicine for my grandmother and then suddenly I found myself up here with nothing but the clothes on my back. The world has been unfair to me but Utopia has been even more unfair. I was caught doing something wrong once, but it didn’t matter to them. Do you want to know why?” Dan asked with a frustrated huff. 

“I do, Dan, I genuinely do.” Phil responded. 

“All because both of my parents were criminals. Phil I was born up here and then raised by my Grandmother in Utopia because their sentences weren’t up. They should have just left me up there as a child because they _knew_ I would be back up here one day. Children of criminals always end up here.” Dan ended his rant with a small voice. He sounded honestly broken and defeated. 

Phil tried to take that information in. There was no way that was true because if so that doesn’t seem close to justice. Someone getting thrown back into war all because of the family they are born into? Phil may not be the best at math but two criminals do not make a third and anyone with a brain or shred of decency can see that. Unless...oh right, the council can be sort of biased. 

“Dan...I am so sorry about everything. What happened to you is unfair. You aren’t the person they are trying to turn you into. From what I’ve seen you are patient, kind, and adapt to any hard situation life throws at you. I’ve been lucky my whole life I’ve had the best Parents life could ever give me and yes I have had hardships too. My dad passed away when I was a teenager and it tore my Mother’s heart to shreds as well as my own. You see, he was a scientist but he was also a lot like me who dreamt a lot about a surface without war. The council didn’t like him and honestly his death was probably a relief to them, but even though I went through that I still had a happy life. I was working in a job I loved and learning every single day. I had freedom even in confinement and I took it all for granted. I should have never gone into the woods or followed that blood trail and then maybe I wouldn’t be sentenced to death.” 

“There you go again with your death sentence bullshit. Phil what did I say to you on the first day we met? You know when you were crying for the first time in front of me? I said you and me, we are a team. I meant that. I will gladly do anything in my power to see you to the end of your sentence so you can live the life I will never have. It’s what’s fair.” Dan said as he placed his hand on top of Phil’s. A smile was spreading across Dan’s features caving a crevice into his cheek. 

Phil smiled back as he felt his fist unclench under Dan’s gentle touch. “Thanks Dan. Now how about we just take a break from this talk and look at the stars?” 

And so they did for hours on end without a single word. Dan’s hand tethered Phil back to reality and kept him grounded as his worries evaporated into calmness. His mind was finally at peace in the middle of a war.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope you all are doing well! I am happy to be posting another chapter! I am a little late but lately I have been in a bad slump, but I am feeling better now! I hope you all enjoyed!!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get moved along sooner than expected and Phil makes a deal with the devil.

Phil always imagined his first sunrise. He imagined laying in a field as a gentle breeze eased his always moving mind into stillness. He imagined looking up at the sky in amazement as the colours changed before him bringing magic into real life. He always wondered about the sky, how it had so many colours within it ,and just how many were hidden throughout the day. He wondered if his first sunrise would be alone or with someone...maybe even someone as special as knowledge. Phil always imagined his first sunrise but he never imagined viewing it from another man’s bed. 

Phil doesn’t know when he finally fell asleep but apparently it happened to be in Dan’s bed. He looked up in amazement at the skylight seeing vibrant hues of purples and pinks swirling together as the sun was lifting off the horizon. His mind wasn’t still however because his focus was on the sleeping body beside him. He decided to pry his eyes away from his precious sunrise and settled them onto Dan’s care-free face. He looked so much younger when he was sleeping and so innocent. He wondered how anyone could ever deem this sweet face a criminal and menace against society, but then again they have probably never seen him in such a vulnerable state. He thought maybe, just maybe, this view was better than the one he had been dreaming of for years which is how he reasoned looking at Dan far longer than appropriate. However, he didn’t understand why this view made his heart race so much. 

You see, Phil doesn’t know about love. Sure, he knows about loving things and people such as his family and learning but he doesn’t have a single clue about romantic love. He’s been on dates, sure, but none of them settled into his heart. At one point he thought he had romantic feelings towards Cornelia because he always wanted to spend time with her, but after months of flirting with the idea of loving her he decided it just didn’t feel right and he settled on the fact he loved her as if she was his family. The council was annoyed with Phil because no matter how many women they set Phil up with he always ended up just befriending them and going back to his endless studies. Phil has always wondered what was wrong with him but he decided to stop thinking about it too much because it only ended up adding too much weight onto his heart. Even with all that, and having given up on love Phil has to admit something is creeping into his chest as he looks at Dan’s soft features. 

Dan mumbled a little in his sleep before his face scrunched up. His eyes opened slowly and his eyelashes fluttered as he began to rouse. 

“Hey Phil,” Dan said in a gruff morning voice as he blinked away some of his sleepiness. 

The sound of his voice and the soft look in his eyes definitely beat the sunrise. 

“M-Morning Dan,” Phil stuttered. “Sorry I don’t remember falling asleep I guess in the end I ended up being more tired than I thought.” Phil tried to explain quickly as he averted his eyes from Dan’s face to the skylight. 

“Don’t even worry about it mate, we better get used to sleeping close to one another anyway. Outside we won’t exactly have our own rooms.” Dan said nonchalantly as he lifted off the mattress to stretch out his back. He twisted to look back at Phil as a few bones popped simultaneously causing Phil to scrunch his nose a little at the sound. “Ready for breakfast and archery?” Dan then asked 

“Sure,” Phil replied. 

This was their daily routine after all. Wake up, breakfast, archery, lunch, basic survival skills such as building a fire and gathering water, and then finally dinner. It was tiresome and frankly Phil was becoming restless with this monotonous routine, but he knew much scarier things were coming...he just didn’t expect it to be that afternoon.

**...**

Sometime between lunch and survival 101 a stone faced man walked up to Dan and requested to speak to him privately. At first Dan was hesitant to leave Phil alone but in the end Dan clearly was not given a choice as the much broader man physically started to drag Dan away. They settled in the corner of the gym definitely out of ear shot, but not out of eye sight. Phil watched as Dan’s eyes widened even from across the gym and his hands started flailing as if he were in an argument. This discussion only went on for about 2 minutes before Dan was making his way over to Phil with a solemn expression as the angry looking man still stood in the corner as if he were observing them.

“Phil...we need to talk.” 

Those words were never good, especially not when they are met with a serious expression such as Dan’s. Phil’s mind began to buzz with anxieties and God knows what other kinds of scenarios. However, before he could spiral further Dan was guiding him gently to a bench in the corner of the gym. 

“They want me back on the surface sooner than we agreed on. I was told I would be able to be down here until you finished training, but apparently they need me for God only knows what. I’m leaving tonight after dinner and your new trainer will see you to the end of this,” Dan explained.

Phil immediately began to shake his head in refusal to this as if it were a choice. They both knew though that there were no choices for criminals...except for one. 

“Fine, I’m coming with you.” Phil proclaimed before he even truly understood what he was agreeing to.

Dan then threw his head back as he let out a hyena-type laugh. “Absolutely not plant boy! You still have a golden ticket to stay down here for another few weeks. It’s bad up there right now and if you join me I can’t promise our safety. We can meet back up on the battlefield. I will be okay Phil, I always am.” Dan assured him with a dopey smile and a firm hand on his shoulder. 

“I don’t want to risk that Dan! You can’t say with 100% certainty that I will see you again if I don’t go now, can you?” Phil questioned. 

“Well...no, but-” 

“Then it’s final I am going with you! **Hey angry man tell the council Philip Lester is joining Dan up on the battlefield tonight!** ” 

The man in the corner nodded as he finally began to turn away as if he were waiting for that response. In fact, Phil almost missed the faint smile ghosting his lips as he turned away...but he didn’t. 

“Phil why did you do that!” Dan boomed in anger. 

“I..I don’t know I got caught up in the moment and I got scared about never seeing you again so I just thought-” 

“No,” Dan interrupted. “You didn’t think and that is the problem! I might be able to catch him still if i sprint off now before he relays it to the council and makes it final. Phil this is **not** up for debate.” He said with a cold expression before heading off, but before he even made it to the end of the gym Richard was already walking in with a pleased expression. 

“So, Lester, you think you are ready for the real deal?” Richard asked with a cocked brow in amusement. 

“Richard, about that, Phil was just speaking in a moment of passion. He’s not ready and we both know that, Hell, even he knows that.” Dan said and honestly that lack of faith hurt a lot. 

Richard gave a small laugh in response. “Daniel if it were up to you, he would never be ready. You weren’t even ready to technically train again after what happened to your last partner, but I let that slide. You want him to stay down here so you don't have another death on your conscience, don’t you?” Richard practically sang with all the amusement in his tone. 

Dan shot Richard a look that frankly could kill, but Richard was used to that it seemed. 

“How about we let Philip here decide for himself? Lester, it’s your choice. I am feeling gracious today and I am nothing less than fair so if you want to die by tomorrow morning then be my guest. It’s only fair for the life you took.” Richard looked so pleased with this whole situation and it honestly made Phil’s stomach churn. He wanted to live just to show those asshole council members what he can do and thinking about it, Dan might just be his only hope for that kind of survival. 

“I’m going. No more debating. However, I have a favour to ask Richard since you are in such a gracious mood,” Phil said. 

“I’m listening,” Richard responded. 

“If I make it out of this year Dan gets another chance. A trial or a new sentence...anything.” Phil said as he looked over at Dan before looking back at Richard with his firmest glare. 

Richard pondered this proposal for a moment before finally smiling sinisterly. “Deal. One year starts today for both of you.” With that, Richard was humming a tune as he walked off into the distance away from the only two now left in the gym. 

Once they were alone Dan let out a frustrated scream. “How could you just do that? Do you even know what kind of deal you just made? Not only are you now going up to the surface without proper preparation but now I am brought into this as well! If I don’t keep you alive as promised, who knows what the consequences against me will be if I can’t keep you safe!” 

Phil let that sink in. He really just made a deal with the devil in a fit of passion and anger not even thinking about any other affected party. That realisation struck him like a bolt of lightning as he finally began to shake from anxiety. 

“D-Dan...I-I’m...S-Sorry...I wasn’t thinking oh God, I wasn’t thinking. What have I done?” He stuttered out as his eyes widened in horror and he sank to his knees unable to hold himself up. 

Dan sighed as he knelt next to Phil. 

“Listen, I’m sorry too. I promised us that we were a team and I tried to break that up even if it was unintentional. I know you made this deal to give me something to look forward to and hope for so thank you. Okay, we don’t have much time so we will simply have to continue to learn as we go. Remember one thing though, we **are** a team. Dan and Phil, yeah?” Dan said as he gently guided Phil up. 

“Dan and Phil.” Phil repeated gently, loving the way that phrase came out so naturally.

**...**

They didn’t have much time before dinner to pack their few belongings, but they didn’t need much time anyway.

Phil packed his clothes along with his journal before making the quick walk to Dan’s room.  
“Knock, knock,” Phil teased without even touching the door. The door swung open as Dan ushered Phil in. 

“Got everything, plant boy?” Dan asked as if they were just going on a holiday. 

“Everything important,” Phil responded as he held up his journal with a smile. 

“You still have that depressing journal? Hey is there anything interesting in there at least like some saucy love scene?” Dan cackled. 

Phil swatted Dan with the book before cracking a smile in response. “No so don’t try and steal this from me in my sleep okay? Nothing interesting at all in here!” 

Dan laughed as he zipped up his backpack. “Alright I have everything as well. Once we get to the entrance of this complex they will provide us with all our survival tools. I hope you enjoyed your last meal here because it’s the last decent food we will get for a while because I sure as Hell can't cook.” He tried to joke but honestly it just made Phil tense up. 

This wasn’t a Holiday they were going on after all...this was war. This was the start of Dan and Phil vs. the world.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first night on the field takes a turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! I just want to throw some warnings out there about some moments in this chapter. There is a brief mention of blood as well as Phil throwing up a few times. Besides that, I hope everyone enjoys!

**entry 6:**

_I finally made it to Utopia. The journey was anticlimactic and for that I am grateful. I was given my own living space and I have access to healthcare for myself and my unborn child. The rules here aren’t too strict, in fact they are very simple. I just have to stay crime free and I am not allowed to leave. They made me sign some forms to acknowledge my consequences if I leave, but I wasn’t planning on it so between you and I, I didn’t even read them. Anyway, we have some sort of meeting today for all the new members of Utopia so I guess this is goodbye for now._

Phil closed the journal and placed it in his backpack before exiting the restroom. Yeah it was probably a bad idea to stall by saying he needed to go one last time, but honestly he was scared and needed one final moment to compose himself. He dried off his hands before meeting Dan outside.

“Probably a good idea to shit now rather than shit yourself out there,” Dan tried to joke. He was met with tightly pressed together lips and a tense form in front of him instead of a smile. “Okay, bad timing, I get it.” 

Phil relaxed a little as he then silently followed after Dan to the entrance. It wasn’t the same gate they came into but that’s unsurprising considering how massive this facility really is. Dan walked ahead a little to get instructions from the guard at the gate before pacing back a few steps to Phil. 

“We are delivering medicine to a hospital on the field. That’s why it was so urgent for us to head out tonight because they are dangerously low on supplies. They said they can get through the night but any further delay could be fatal. So, what do you say to us heading there through the night? It’s a little risky but I think it is our best move,” Dan suggested. 

Phil’s never seen him in his serious thinking mode. It wasn’t a bad idea and by the sounds of it the Hospital would be better off getting these supplies sooner rather than later. 

“I trust you,” Phil replied and that was enough. 

Dan packed the supplies between both their packs so they could share the load equally before bidding a farewell to the guard. Phil could only numbly follow these actions however as he began nervously twisting his hair all the way outside. It thankfully wasn’t hot anymore considering the sun had already set so at least that was one thing they didn’t have to worry about. 

“It’s actually kind of nice out..it’s quiet,” Phil observed. 

“We are still in a very guarded area so it’s bound to be quiet. About 5 kilometers East is where things pick up.” 

“Which direction are we headed?” Phil dared to ask. 

“East.” Dan responded immediately without any hint of humour or a smile. 

Phil didn’t have any response to that so he just kept quietly following Dan. He knew Dan knew the way all too well so he just followed but also stayed alert. This wasn’t some walk in the woods of utopia, this was still a battlefield even if it was secure for the time being. 

It was a little over 5 kilometers later where they heard their first noise. 

“What was that?” Phil said as he instantly began to shake. It could easily just be an animal but even they are known to be dangerous in the wild. 

“It was a small noise so probably just a rabbit. Stay close to me though,” Dan said as his eyes scanned the area the noise originated. He held a protective stance around Phil for another moment before dropping his guard to smile at Phil in reassurance. “Definitely just a small animal, come on let’s go.” 

Phil still had trouble settling his heart and nerves after that, but he had no choice. He continued to let Dan lead the way. Another 3 kilometers and Phil was actually optimistic about today’s mission. He even began to feel like talking to Dan so he did. 

“You said the hospital was 10 kilometers away so that means we are nearly there right?” Phil said with a smile finally walking in stride with Dan. 

Dan smiled back with an affirmative nod. “Yep and since we are making good time they may even let us sleep on some extra cots in the hospital so we don’t have to set up camp. This was honestly not a bad first mission for you and look you held it all together plant boy! I’m so proud of...fuck. Run!” Dan ordered but when Phil didn’t move instantly he grabbed his hand and pulled him towards a dense population of trees. 

“What’s going on?!” Phil asked as he desperately tried to keep up but then he felt it. He felt a sharp pain rip through his skin as warm blood began to trickle down his arm. It was clear at that moment...they were being pursued. Adrenaline kicked in as his fresh wound no longer stung and his steps quickened to finally be at the same pace as Dan. Branches were tearing up both of their bodies but they did not falter until finally there were no more quick paces following them. 

Phil heaved as his dinner came up. An adrenaline rush like that was not a good combination with his anxiety. 

“You okay, mate?” Dan dared to ask.

“Okay?! No I’m bloody not okay. We just got hunted down, sprinted for our lives for 4 kilometers in the **opposite** direction of our destination, I am bleeding, you are bleeding, and I somewhat wish the enemies just fucking took me out.” Phil retched again as more dinner came up. 

“Fair enough, stupid question. Here, have some water. You need to replenish.” Dan said gently as he offered his canister to Phil. 

Phil took it and took a long gulp before finally taking a deep breath. “I...don’t want to die here Dan…” He finally whispered. His eyes were fixated on the ground as tears began to clog his vision. 

“I don’t want you to die here either, Phil. Why don’t we find somewhere to hide for now even if it’s just for an hour. We need to bandage your wounds and you also need to calm down some more before we even think about venturing out into the open again.” Dan suggested. 

“Yeah, I’m okay with that,” Phil agreed. 

They found a small cave 1 kilometer back in the direction they came. It was a little risky to head back that way but it was likely the enemies left this area by now. Plus the cave was tucked away enough that even Phil felt securely hidden. 

“Let me see your arm,” Dan motioned towards Phil’s injured appendage. 

Phil moved in closer as Dan set a torch in the middle of them so he could see properly. 

“It’s not deep enough to need stitches. It looks like it came from a throwing knife. I’m sorry Phil...I should have been more alert. I didn’t even know there was danger until I physically saw them. I should have been more careful.” 

Phil gave a small smile as he placed his hand on top of Dan’s. “We are a team Dan, I should have been more aware myself. We got out of it and yeah it sucked but we made it. Don’t beat yourself up too hard. I need to learn to look out for myself as well.” 

Dan gave a quiet laugh in response. “Who’s comforting who here?” 

Phil also finally found a laugh as he replied, “we are comforting each other.” 

Dan patched up Phil and then himself before laying out their sleeping supplies. “Even if we only lay down for a moment, it might be nice to properly relax, don’t you think?” 

Phil nodded. “Yeah, I think.” He then got under his sleeping bag covers and finally let out a tense breath he was holding in for ages. “Did you actually think we were going to die?” Phil then asked. 

He heard Dan shift and turn towards him so he also turned to meet Dan’s eyes. “I’ve been flirting with death for so long now I don’t even know what moments I don’t feel like I am in danger mean.” 

“Do you think you are in danger now?” Phil asked curiously.

“No...and like I said I don’t know what that means. I just feel calm around you I guess. Do you ever feel like you’re not actually a person?” Dan asked. 

“What?” 

“Okay, moving on.” Dan laughed and opened his mouth to ask another question but Phil stopped him. 

“No, I want to know what you mean? Like do you feel like a robot or something?” 

“Not really, but i don’t feel human. I feel like I am some fucked up chess piece for Utopia and I have no idea why. I mean I am technically a criminal, but-” 

“Dan...You aren’t really a criminal. You were getting medicine for your grandmother and they sentenced you harsher than an accused murderer,” Phil said. 

“Yes but I still stole it. I don’t regret it though. My grandmother raised me and I could not watch her die in front of me especially when they kept raising the costs of her meds basically day by day.” 

“Wait...I’ve been meaning to ask you about that. Don’t all utopians have free healthcare and access to medications they need?” Phil asked, truly confused. 

Dan sighed as he turned onto his back to look at the ceiling of the cave. “Not when your children are criminals.” He said quietly as if it were some secret. 

Phil has never heard of that law before...honestly it sounds made up specifically for Dan’s family. He then worried about his own mother and what she was going through currently because of his accused crime. Oh God...his family. 

"Don’t worry they got rid of that law. I know that just made you worry about your mother. However, they got rid of it too late for me.” 

“Dan they are so unfair to you and your family. I just don’t understand it…” Phil said. Honestly he didn’t get it. How can a whole family be punished for what Dan’s parents did...whatever it was. Actually...Phil had no idea what they did. “Can i ask you something?” 

“Sure, I’ve got nothing to hide,” Dan replied.

“What did your parents do?” 

Dan sat up and turned towards Phil so Phil followed suit. 

“They tried to leave Utopia. Phil what do you know about this surface besides the nature side of it?” 

Phil pondered this for a moment and realised he honestly didn’t know much at all. “Nothing, really. I know there’s been a war for a very long time and Utopia was founded to keep us safe.” 

“What if I told you there was no war.” 

“Dan, you can’t just make claims like that without proof.” 

“I don’t have proof, but my parents supposedly found some and that’s why they tried to leave. When they tried to inform others, 5 bodies were found surrounding their property. Sound familiar?” 

Phil felt uneasy as an inkling of realisation began to settle into his mind. 

“Utopia has set up false evidence for murders before? I’m not the only one?” Phil asked. His heart was beating a mile a minute and his felt uneasiness settle into the pit of his stomach. 

“Phil, how did your dad die?” Dan asked. 

Phil heard those words but everything began to feel distorted as if he was being submerged below water. He wanted to gasp for air but his lungs only burned as water weighed him down, sinking him further below the surface only to be forgotten. 

“H-He was sick...nothing monumental.” Phil finally replied but his own voice sounded muffled. 

“He was a dreamer just like you, wasn’t he? He wanted to leave utopia and study...He wanted to leave and start a new life. He wanted-” 

“You don’t know what he wanted. He was a scientist; it was his **job** to study the surface. I’m sorry about your family and their life but we are not the same. Dan, stop trying to compare us.” Phil snapped coldly. 

“I’m sorry. I struck a nerve. I’ll drop it. Anyway, do you want to stay the night here or move along on our mission?” Dan said changing the subject. He didn’t even look hurt or offended by Phil’s words just now. 

“Can we sleep? Believe it or not, almost dying really wears someone out.” 

Dan chuckled as he finally laid back down. He reached over and turned off the torch before turning away from Phil. 

“Goodnight, Plant boy,” He said. 

“Goodnight, Dan,” Phil replied. He just hoped his mind would get the memo it was time to sleep.


End file.
